ootd: canceling out the noise
(note: new series alert! ootd, commonly known as "outfit of the day," but in this case it also stands for "outlook of the day." go ahead and roll your eyes at how corny that is, I'll wait. pretty self explanatory, but basically I'll be posting my outfits along with what's on my mind.)
in case you're wondering how I'm doing: last week, the angry face and hysterically crying face emojis beat out the heart-eyes face and sparkle emojis on my most used keyboard. and if that isn't enough of an illustration: I made a list of everything that was bothering me on friday, and my phone told me I had run out of storage.
the list included things like having an unsatisfied client and needing to re-edit a shoot's worth of photos when I'm already swamped and backlogged with work, finding out about people talking behind my back (because we're 15 years old apparently), not getting enough time to clean my room/do laundry so perpetually living out of a hamper, recurring rib pain that my doctor won't do anything about, a $50 parking ticket, the looming cold weather, the 12 emails I need to write, the 100+ photos I need to edit, the fact that npr is only covering the election this week which is a major cause of distress for me, this person needing this from me, and that person needing that from me, and so on. I honestly can't remember everything that was lurking in my mind because I feel so much better now, but it was bad and by the time the weekend hit, I knew I needed to get out of town.
I'm a city girl, through and through. even though I was born here in baltimore, I lived the majority of my grade school years in a small gulf coast floridia town. I hated it and praise the day I was able to move back up here as a teen. the anonymity and the better keep up with everyone else attitude is what I thrived in. but sometimes, those certain qualities of the city just keep going and going and sort of assault your psyche.
my boyfriend and I like to do day trips when we both have a day off, and this time around I knew I needed to get out of the city life and just explore something quiet so I could give my million miles an hour brain a rest. we sat around early saturday and googled "best small pennsylvanian towns" and the first place that popped up was a town called lititz, pennsylvania. don't ask me how to pronounce it I still don't know. we've been lovingly referring it to "le tits" which is pretty spot on to how beautifully awesome it was.
I took my film camera which is where I documented the actual town itself so you won't be seeing lititz quite yet (november in 35mm to come out in december). but something amazing happened while I was out there between all the "ooooh's" and "ahhh's" that imparted my mouth as I soaked in the idyllic beauty of litiz. my anxiety over my professional whoas, which has gotten to a crippling high as the days get shorter and shorter and my body gets less tolerant of the weather, all together disappeared**. all that background noise that was either self doubt, worries I will eventually conquer, or things I have absolutely no control over were muted by putting myself first and focusing on another person who cares for me as much as I care for myself.
we probably spent about three hours in the town itself, walking around to explore the wonderfully curated shops, small eateries, vine-y churches, and all the unreal looking fall foliage in between. I kept saying "this is so beautiful" about everything it got to the point where I had to say "I know I keep saying this, but this is so beautiful!!" it's so nice to be surrounded by beauty every now and then that has almost nothing to do with my daily or professional life...to be able to turn off that part of my brain and take things in like a normal person.
lesson: it's ok to admit defeat and ignore your problems for a day or two if that means you'll come back to everything with a clearer mind.
today daylight savings ended and I went back to my regular life of shooting and worrying about deadlines. I'm feeling a little better as the things that are out of my control seem so small and pointless to dwell on. I have jury duty tomorrow and just confirmed that, yes my number was selected so..."yay!" to a week of civic duty??
**I should note that getting out in the fresh air is not the end all cure for anxiety, please don't let anyone tell you that. it helps for some people, but ignoring the benefits of medication and therapy is just ableist and misinformed!! ok.