when everything is blooming yet really fucking hard at the same time

model: actress andrea chen 

model: actress andrea chen 

all of us living in the mid atlantic can agree that the 2017's weather so far has been quite the anomaly.  and that's how I feel about my life right now.  the model in this series, Andrea, reached out to me some months ago and we were finally about to get together and shoot in late March, when the snow was still melting.  I took her up to pretty boy reservoir which is a bit of a drive from the city so we were able to talk about life, work, love etc.

we both work in the creative field, for our day jobs and for our passion projects so we related to each other's plights of being creatively drained, not sure where to put our energy and what to invest in long term.  I've been thinking a lot about this recently, growing increasingly frustrated.  andrea shared that her father's advice on this particular subject was you can't put your efforts into more than one venture and give 100% to both.  "yep," I affirmed instinctively.  but if you've read my blog in the past, you know I do not do that.  

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it would be a privilege to be able to pursue my dreams long term without the financial stability of a full time job, so right now I'm confined to the evenings and weekends.  I come home from my day job every night and then get right to work editing photos, planning events, or writing proposals.  the constant thinking is making a mess out of mental health and I've consistently had to talk myself down from a panic attack once or twice a week.  "my brain feels like a wad of duct tape that I gotta pull apart but can't" I texted my boyfriend last week.  

but I'm on the brink of something and I don't want to stop.  

I'm sharing this with you because my photoshoot with Andrea, which was spontaneous in nature, gave me the opportunity to put these anxieties I've been having into visuals.  my life right now (like the springtime blooms fighting against the fallen snow if you wanna get metaphorical about it) is at odds among an assortment of things: the stability and structure of having a job, the everyday burdens that are stopping me from being able to pursue independent work with full effort, the constant entanglement in the net of creative ideas, being SO CLOSE to the things through hard work I want but still having small bullshit things get in the way.

 I'm not sure how much of the metaphor I should explain, so I'm just going to trust that you get it.  see the rest of the photo story below: